Finally, clarity
When the fog rolls in
Emotions clouding your sight
You’ll wish you had been more vigilant
Like when you’re sick and a nostril is blocked
You can only think about how it felt before
But when you’re healed, you literally reach clarity
I can finally see now
I was never the problem
These were all your issues that killed us, killed me, killed yourself, not mine
I hold myself accountable for my feelings, you don’t
Or when you eventually did, you had already made me feel like a monster
Like I was to blame
A half hearted apology
Damage control
My anxiety did not cause me to hover, control, monitor, doubt, mistrust you or gaslight
It made me think you wouldn’t like me if you saw how depressed and nervous i could really be, or my feminine side, but i still fought it and showed you those sides of me.
My authentic self held true
My depression did not cause me to be mean, cruel, uncaring, or distant
It made me know how sad id be if you didn’t love me anymore, and take the hurt you gave and amplified it each time. You did not understand depression. My depression.
My authentic feelings held true
My abandonment issues did not cause me to act controlling or abusive
They caused me to try as hard as i could to show how important you were to me, and how sad I would be if you left. I was willing to give it all a try and even discovered what I really wanted was less than what I was hoping for. Was begging someone not to leave my life controlling? I don’t think so. I wanted you to go to therapy and get better, but not abandon me. Why did you have to abandon me?
I gave you all the time and space you needed whenever you asked, but you just kept wanting more, pushing me away. You didn’t appreciate me. It was never enough. I could never do right by you.
Every single time you betrayed your own boundaries, gaslit, lashed out, blamed me for your problems while saying its “not you, its me”, showed transphobia, even said fuck you to me, i forgave you. Every time you abused me, treated me like a toy, or a pet, i forgave you. I fell for your excuses. You told me you were aware of how your behavior affects people and you still chose to do it. You chose to hurt me. You chose to tell me you had feelings for me when you didn’t want to go down that road, knowing where it ended before you set down it again. You knew I would depend on you once I confide in you my deepest secret and authentic self. You knew you didn’t have the capacity for that but still, you chose to open that door and lead me through like a lamb to slaughter. You knew I would fall deeper and deeper for you while you pretended. You knew what ghosting me would do to me. You chose to hurt me.
Your insecurities devoured you. Your mental issues swallowed you whole. You were ruled by your urges and emotions. You have zero self control. You reeled me in with love bombing and I opened up to you, confided in you, liked to be around you, got me hooked on your attention, only to ask me how I could want you in my life so badly so quickly. Because you made me feel safe in a burning house. These are things a true empath, as you call yourself, would never do. These are traits of narcissism.
My issues truly never got the best of me, and I see now that you were actually making me worse. I can confidently say that now. Your overall coldness was killing me. So i let it kill me. And then i was reborn, as a friend. That killed me. Still that wasn’t enough for you. I killed myself for you. My feelings for you. And that wasn’t enough. It would never be enough. You would have ground me down to nothing and then look at me and be disgusted at what i let myself happen to me, for you.
I wasn’t giving myself credit for doing so well until towards the end. You saw how well I was doing and that scared you. How easily i could agree to your boundaries and give you space. Forgive and love your faults and mistakes. It meant Id never leave, and that scared you because you knew once you used me up, i still wouldn’t go anywhere. You were disgusted by what you helped make: a wonderful, caring, loving person. Because truly wonderful people that aren’t exactly like you scare you. People having different ideas and disagreeing with you while still being better people than you terrifies you. And someone better than you leaving you terrified you, so you did it first. I should have left and said fuck you too and left first to teach you a lesson that you cant treat people like dolls, but its always better when the trash takes itself out rather than having to handle it yourself. Im glad that you pushed the blade so i didn’t have to.
I get to maintain what I was from the start, a good loving person that would never abandon anyone to sadness. And I will continue to be that. The only change I have to make in my life is tolerating zero abuse. In other words, being vigilant and respecting myself. Not pushing my needs away to meet someone else’s. Codependent no more. I never needed you. You told me that a person that has trouble loving themselves cannot truly love. Wrong. The truth is, a person that always puts herself first cannot care for others. You have to put yourself second for the people that matter most to you, sometimes, and with that action, while receiving love from the other person, you learn how to love the parts of yourself you might have trouble with in doing that. In other words, really see their perspective and how you affect them, and stop doing things abusive to them, treating them like a toy. A person unable to do that cannot love. A person that has trouble loving themselves can still love someone else unconditionally, you taught me that while teaching me to love myself. And I hate that it was you that taught me that. I wish it were anyone else, it would make it easier to hate you. I thought you were the best thing to happen to me, and maybe you were, but you were also the worst. I hope you get the help you need, but i don’t really care anymore either. I am free.
