There’s a lot for me to be thankful for. I’ve been trying to be mindful of that. But sometimes it’s really hard to keep in mind. There are times when I feel like I have it all together. Like I know exactly what I’m out to do and where I’m going. Other times I feel like a child being so unsure of what to do in a situation. Part of that is anxiety for sure.
When I really sit and think about it, my anxiety really has gotten a lot better that it used to be. Or at least, I’ve gotten better with dealing with it. I’ve been standing up for myself more. Not apologizing constantly as a fawning response to potential trouble or to make myself be small and take up less space, and stuff like that anymore. There’s something to be proud of in that. Striking a good balance between how much of a good person I want to be, and how much of an asshole that I’m okay with being, is difficult and confusing. I think it’s just something that will always kind of be shifting, kind of like my gender.
I really want to be a girl still. At least, I think I do. Sometimes I’m honestly not sure. I think “what if I regret making permanent changes” like hormones or surgery. It’s such a battle and it won’t stop until I do something about it. I already present fluidly between male and female, sometimes clearly trying to be one more than the other, and yet, equally often, where I feel like neither. I wish I could find someone that loved me for who I am while I figure this out.
I really need to write more. I need to do a lot of things more. I stopped rollerblading around when the heatwave started, but it seems to be going away now. But music. I need to finish the songs I haven’t worked on in weeks. So much free time this year, I’m ashamed of myself for not pushing myself harder to get more songs out. They’re basically done! Just need to be mixed. Drawing is another thing I need to do more. I used to draw all day as a kid. I miss that feeling. It still comes and goes, but it feels far more fleeting these days. My inner child is alive and well, it just needs to be a little more… what’s the word? Tactful? Assertive? Conscious? I don’t know.
There’s more to say but I’m sleepy. Time for naps.
I really need to pick a new name to go by. Maybe one will come to me in a dream. I have a few ideas.
Until next manic creativity burst.